Holding On and Moving On
This week my mind wanders. It wanders over the happy memories of living near, traveling to, and simply being with my Grandpa. If he had only lived a bit longer, my heart aches. If only I could council with him now and rejoice in my personnel victories.
For many reasons his death felt immensely painful. For the first year or so after, there was nowhere for the pain. It was deep, it was immediate, it was an ocean of tossing and turning. He was more than Grandpa. He was best friend, co-author, confidant.
Still, on his birthday, the pain comes up and feels fresh. But, with years of reflection I can see how the pain has changed. While I can never leave the pain, I can hold onto his memory while letting the pain subsides to a dull ache of missing him on special days. He will always be the one who introduced me to Firefly, let me perch on his Arm Rest, and surprised me with a novel written just for me.
My writing has always been intrinsically wrapped in my remembrance of Grandpa. This week would have held his birthday, and as I think of the changing from sharp to dull pain... I reflect on my own change. The Damsel originally held and wrote this blog. She, as her name, was innocent and young. She was pure.
Today I come to you as Ald Idunn. While I hold onto the writing, childhood, and the memories of The Damsel... I am no longer she. Ald Idunn is before you. Married to poetry, I have been rejuvenated and stand fresh and new. Just as the Norse Goddess Idunn, I protect youth for my past is allowed a place in my heart. However, many of my views and my goals are changed and something The Damsel can no longer stand for.
Let us hold onto who and where we have come from, but let us move on as is only becoming.