Colleges have begun to flood my email and snail mail with information about their programs. They send me explanations of why their program is "just right" for me. Many of my good friends have already moved off to college, or to go on two year missions for our church. And as these two things align, I realize an ever growing fear. A fear of growing up.
I don't mean I have a fear of growing old. Age is superfluous in my mind. I don't fear my face being lined with wrinkles, nor my hands becoming blemished and shaking. What I fear is having to leave my childhood home, leaving friends for college, and forgetting to enjoy simple things because of responsibility. To fear. It hurts.
Anxiety runs like veins
Like nerves
Linked to brain
To heart
Pushing to be known
Running on it's own
Logic wishing to call
But the feeling coursing
Love being twisted
To fear and ache
Happiness being turned
To withered leaves
Ready to fall
My heart
Yearns and calls
Into the chasm
Of faith
And somewhere
The thread is tied
I hold
Despite
The pain of fear
The pain of anxious everything
Poem 214 ~ 3/18/2015
I feel like Wendy Darling. One foot in the nursery, and one out the door. Stuck on the stories, playtime, and dreams of childhood. Yet, working on gaining a career, living on my own, and attempting to become a thoughtful adult. In some ways I am ready to move into the world. Still in others... I'm trying to find Neverland.
The draw of stuck time pulls, but the reality of moving through life appeals. I may feel Neverland wishing to be near. But to grow up, that shall be my awfully big adventure.